For the past two days, when I went to pour out that weird liquid that you get on the top of your yogurt,* my whole yogurt fell out into the trash can.
Fool me once: Shame on you.
Fool me twice: WHY THE FUCK IS YOUR YOGURT SO SLIPPERY?
*My co-worker called it “Yogurt Pee.” Try to unhear that one.
My parents are on vacation in Florida (again). I am in New England alone.
This is a legitimate conversation that we had a few weeks ago when it snowed in November (!!!!!!!!)
Me: Mommy, it’s so cold! And it snowed. It snowed in November.
Mom: Ugh, I feel you. Today, the heater in the pool broke and it slightly colder than usual.
Hang up phone.
Yo, do you drink a shit ton of tea?*
Well, you should pre-cut your lemons, put them in a jar with a bit of sugar, refrigerate, and voila!
Now, when you go to make some tea, get yourself a lemon slice, pour in some of the delicious sugary lemony juice and drink it up.
*(What a great way to start a post. Rad work, Lina)
My hair stylist just said that taming my hair has been “one of the greatest challenges of her career.”
To which I say “you and I both, sister.”
Today, upon waking up, I promptly punched myself in the boob BECAUSE THAT IS A THING THAT PHYSICS ALLOWS.
I was too lazy to make dinner tonight so I just ate three hot dog-less hot dog buns and called it a day because I am full of strong choices.
On Halloween weekend, I saw a man dressed as a gorilla peeing on the tree in front of my apartment building.
This is the conversation I had with my father the next day:
Dad: Good morning.
Me: No. Bad morning. I saw a man dressed in a Halloween costume peeing on our tree last night.
Dad: Well, at least he helped fertilize it.